So this is my very first blog, i have done a few on myspace, but lets face it. there not all that interesting. mostly just about my dis-belief of roberts love for me! How a man can love such an imperfect person as much as this man does, is truly a gift! God truly hand picked this man for me. his ability to look the other way at my disability, his smiles early in the morning ((even if i am clawing his eyes out)) his thoughtfulness, and they way he completes me. wow, i am still shocked. I am the quirky person i know, && somehow he looks at me with such joy! i can honestly say, i never thought anyone would ever be with me, much less someone whom i enjoy just as much!!
I didnt think i couldnt "catch a man" because of my disablity, incase that is what you thinking. I have always thought i was just "too" complicated.
I have realized ((in the last couple years of my life)) that my disability effects me in many other ways. altho i am not ashamed nor embarassed, i have so much pent up anxiety. i never feel i can please other people. i literally fixate on pleasing other people that i almost thrive on doing just the opposite!! how does that make since i have no clue. but trust me its a problem. if you want me to say "yes" i say no. and then i will fight you about it!
My sister graduated from college two weeks ago, and while in oklahoma, i learned so much about myself. its funny because when i was 13 i thought i knew everything and now that i am older i realize i know nothing compared to what i learn everyday ((mostly myself, self growth if you will)) anyway, tubby my sisters dog had gotten into my bag while we were away. little brat. pulled out everything and had them all over the house. Katie probably walked into, what she thought was a war zone, of things she doesnt reconize as being "female products" because only i use them! she politely put them back into my bag, and when we got home she didnt even mention it. it wasnt until later when i was talking to becky that i realized tubby decided to share my secrets with, not only beckys roommates, but also the people that walked through the door with her ((she had a handful of peole over for a study group))..
Your wondering what this has to do with, but because of tubby i realized how other people just dont understand. and how strong i try to be about my disability but some how i always end up hurt, confused, and farther away from goal then ever..
Jazzy was over and was laying on beckys bed, and i floped down like a dirty wet towel with humilation. I started up a conversation with becky about how my anxiety was overwhelming me. Think of one thing in your life your embarassed about, like glasses, if everyday when you were child you had someone ((even the most irrelvant person in the world)) make fun of you. for some many days of your life. now your grown, and even though everyone excepts your glasses because you "cant help it".. you still know what there thinking.. its crazy tough isnt it..
Anyway, after i floped down, and started to express myself, i was humilated. having to revant my feelings to my sister. Bless her heart, I know she wasnt trying to be hurtful, but she just laughed and shruged it off, as if, its feelings i just have to "get over".
I hate being treated as if nothing is wrong, i hate being treated as if "something" is wrong. I hate it when my friends gripe and complain about SSI, or other their other friends not driving "but its ok, lizz, you dont count" I hate always feeling like i am an exception, but hate it when certain exceptions are not made. I hate not feeling like i fit in, but hate it when people try to make me feel "so normal". I hate it when people are nice to my face, but rude and hurtful behind my back. i hate the fact that one woman said one stupid thing and my "anxiety" made a life altering decision for me. I hate the fact that no one in my, life cripple or not, seems to understand the stress that i bring on myself.
I have such a good life. god has truly blessed me. but sometimes ((even when i dont realze it)) i can be so bitter. and then i become the mean and hurtful one, to others. to the people i love. I wouldnt change being me for a day. because i also see what good "being me" has done! but i also see what the anxiety has ruined. and the friendships its consumed and the relationships its spoiled.
On the other hand I am bold, proud, and in love like no other. Robert has really brought me back to a place within my self, where i can just be happy! And altho i take full responsibility for my actions, i can honestly say, i dont know where my mind was or what i thinking. because for so many years before i met robert i had no emotions. i tried not to feel anything. it was one extreme or the other. i was either really happy or really sad! && finally, i find a place where i can just sit back and let my emotions run! my sober emotions, run. and I am so confused. With robert there is no confusion! trust me, i know i am the luckiest girl world. and still wonder how i was able to catch such a great man. but really in just everyday life. day to day stuff, i get lost and confused. caught up in my own tornado of emotions.
i found this to be helpful.
I am still learning alot about my self. my past. and changing my future. "you can judge a persons future by their past" .... well not this sista'
I will be the amazing wife my husband loves for the rest of days. the loving aunt, the coolest sister/sister in law in town. and beautiful and loving daughter. and a friend like no other.
my life starts today.
